Make Choices but don’t let them master you.

It’s been a long time, I could pull myself together to write something. As a part of #everydayinspiration, I was sent couple of one word prompts- hope, regret, home, choice, secret and abundance. I went through that email several times and found my mind flooding with endless thoughts and today I have finally made my choice… 🙂 Writing about choices…

Now what about choices? In fact what we are today is the culmination of all the choices which we ever made: personal, professional etc. and in today’s scenario, when there are so many options thrown at us, I feel that rather than simplifying our lives, taking decisions about even tiny things, turns out to be a mind-boggling exercise.

I remember how few days back, while planning to buy some wall-shelves for my living room, I spent hours on surfing through endless number of shopping sites, looking at nearly thousands of items, shortlisted few however still couldn’t make my mind.  I was so saturated and drained out at the end of that futile process that I eventually postponed the idea of buying one. Yes, it would have certainly turned fruitful if I had someone to guide me or help me understand my own requirements and I would have been able to make a choice. Now this is what we generally advise people to do that it’s better to handover the steering wheel to someone else, especially when you find your mind clouded with doubts and dilemmas.

Now this is an extremely pragmatic opinion. But rather than feeling impressed with my mind which has suddenly started working so prudently, I found myself amused while thinking of this.

Today in fact, when I look at myself and take a quick account of my life, I feel that even while making the most significant life-choices whether they were related to my career or life or relationships, I ever thought of working under someone’s guided opinion. Now this is what which leaves me intrigued. Can we really weigh options and take intelligent decisions which guarantee fool proof success and triumph to us? Can we orient our mind in this way? What should be done when our emotions over power us? I have at several occasions, found my mind covered with some invisible walls and I simply refuse to listen to anyone but my own voice.

Many decades back, I made a choice pertaining to my profession. The choice was to pursue Masters in Social Work from Delhi University. I did complete the course, worked for few NGOs for couple of years, found that my decision was though not completely wrong but was more driven by my emotions. During the field work, visits to remote places and meeting people from diverse fields was very exciting but I was completely disillusioned to see that most of the developmental work for which funding agencies shell out millions of rupees and give the developmental agencies in forms of funds and grants remains mostly confined to paper-work. Writing reports with fake facts and figures was not what I was made up for.

I suddenly joined the corporate sector which kept me charmed for few years with its beautiful air conditioned buildings, financially stable job and many opportunities of madness. I did many things from client servicing, managing administration and operations, juggling with numbers and reports but the monotony of it, left me saturated and I decided to put an end to it. There was lot of money and fun but no sense of gratification. I decided to take a step back and re-evaluate what my dreams were and what was lacking in my life which left my mind and soul with such in-satiated appetite.

That was the time to pursue my real calling and decided to follow my heart. I took my final plunge and took up the teaching profession. Today after 7 years of my working as a teacher and of course, during this period, I worked upon acquiring couple of professional degrees to qualify to work in schools, I eventually find myself happy and contented. Today I feel that though I went through lot of trials and tribulations,  I finally took a correct decision of choosing my dreams over the financial stability which my previous jobs promised in abundance.

Today when I interact with my students who do rely upon me for a correct guidance for making good choices in life, I strongly feel that it’s certainly my duty to help them. However if I just give some concrete ideas and concepts to work upon, I will be depriving them of the fun which lies in making certain mistakes and then embracing them. Rather than finding them turning into mere prototypes, I would rather love to see them becoming passionate dreamers and wanderers.

I have found many relatives and friends of mine, telling it to me that I had been pretty impulsive and stupid which resulted in my making many wrong choices in my life. But my mind still refuses to agree to this.

Those were not mistakes what I committed. Today when I look at my past, I find a life led with so many enriching and learning experiences. I don’t feel regretful and still have no plans to shut the doors to my past but yes, I feel I have opened another door to my future. Though there could be some shades of grey, but I feel, my life is like a rainbow with endless colours and hues. In fact so called wrong choices which are easily labelled by many as sheer mistakes, I feel completely different about them. I see them as my most valuable assets. I have so many experiences to share with my kids in the school. And when they make mistakes in the classroom,  I don’t run out of patience and tolerance and i don’t rush to call them “stupid”. In fact I strongly detest the idea of making them feel ashamed or embarrassed.

Today while writing about “CHOICES”, I still don’t find myself thinking in terms of stagnation and inertia, I feel life is all about experiencing it and discovering what eventually works for you. The best choices are those which finally leave you happy and satisfied. 🙂


When I met my Childhood Friend!

Kind of lazy to pen down anything these days, I found myself retreating into a snail shell, quietly receding into the spiral of life and allowing myself to be swept into changes, without thinking too much about it. Instead of reflecting on the happenings, I was sinking deeper into silence and flow through the business of living in this human dimension.

Already too much of pondering and lack of relishing this life. I thought of this but thoughts were always there and I could always feel their gentle and healing presence popping up once in a while and could turn to them for reassurance. At the same time, mind was ridden of an obvious fear of becoming inoperative that too with this constant awareness.

Anyways, I suddenly took to dreams. Dreams also not the steeled ones, in fact the porcelain ones which cannot be rattled around with. The gullible sound of these dreams are always there to make you realise your own strengths and vulnerabilities.

I started thinking of certain presences around me and to strike an out-of-body experience, slide into a dream world of my own, where it’s all different. I looked at all the people around me who began to look like spirits and I too wanted to feel like a ghost among them.

Well, this happened when I was sitting in my terrace and in spite of the green foliage around me, the world looked so dry around me, so colourless, too much austere in nature like reflection of my own realities these days.

All these thoughts came to a sudden halt when I saw someone sitting there on chair in front of me. She looked so shyly at me and touched me so slightly, so impossibly that I could never know who she was and where she emerged from! All I could see were her almond eyes, deep brown, liquid and radiant. And there was a flash of untamed fear as if it would wake me up of this dream. Am I dreaming?

She had dimples kind of those which are permanent on the cheeks and just turn more prominent when such people laugh. Dimples I always dreamt of, I could see my finger moving to smudge my finger on my face to create that dimple on my cheek.

I asked her “Who she is?”, so quietly as if I was scared of being woken by own voice. She extended her arm and I shook it hesitatingly. “I am your friend, that imaginary friend you had as a child”, she said.

These days it is no more fashionable to have imaginary friends but I remember I used to have an imaginary friend, till I attained that level of fertile imagination to question “Do they really exist?” and eventually they stopped carrying meaning for me anymore.

She looked so uncomplicated and calm, so serene and safe. And she was right in front of me. This is perfect. “You remember we had no ambitions during those days, all we used to do is to dream and talk incessantly about them. We were too lazy to take any action and were scared of hard work.”

I suddenly remembered, it was an age when everything seemed to be in state of calm. The lives of people in the world were fully sorted out and there were no dichotomies. We painted on any wall where we liked to. We used to sing, dance, write codes never to be deciphered, even cook, stitch, swim… all because we liked to. No competition of any kind, nobody trying to prove anything, no punishments so no rewards. Everyone in some magical way was blanched off their base nature and was just gentle, polite, courteous and considerate. There was no fear of any kind.

And now we are like piece of meat that hangs in the butcher’s shop. All we do is to do nothing about our own life and sit here judging others life and their work. I was suddenly full of anguish at this sudden realization. I felt I was more happy in my realities, the realities which never surprised me till I haven’t looked in, to see what’s going in the places.

Her words seemed to tear me apart. It was a moment when my heart simply refused to beat, when all the blood seemed to have rushed to my head and stayed there, the whole world spinning down on its axis and time stopped and all there was in the world was her.

I questioned my actions and felt the absence of that long discarded behaviour when I had no desire to be a hero, no longer had I any pirate nature to be extravagant, jubilant and victorious. I felt the guilty rush and experienced a meltdown.

I told her I would love to remain in the state of eternal dream as everything seems to be so nice like a commune with no extraneous elements and no confrontations.

She laughed, “Most of the people who experience similar thoughts and out of this suddenly found lost enthusiasm get up and join communes. It is no different from the real world they are trying to get away from”. The idea is to stay in the real world and be a part of it yet have the ability to have a different set of realities. In this peculiar upside-down logic of real life, still believe in imaginations and dreams.

Deep in the ashes of reality, a dream to find that imaginary friend who is there to make you realise that in spite of all the losses and defeats it is not everything that is lost.

A smile cracked on my face and I gathered her in my arms, suddenly found myself immersed in bliss and wished never to get up ever again. It was as if I have emerged from an ocean and can see what she wanted me to. She would always be there for me, even when she is not there. One day, she would again hold my hand as she did today. I wish all of us are able to recall  that imaginary friend of yours, who was a part of those naive dreams you both took together.

Day two: Write a List

This is the next task assigned to me as a part of #everydayinspiration and out of the choices offered to me, I thought I will write on “Things I’ve learned”. Believe me, when I looked at the topic, I once smiled at the childishness of the task. I have already spent enough decades on this planet, living and doing certain things. Enlisting them is a child’s play.

However contrary to my anticipation, when I started writing, my mind was flooded with many unrelated thoughts with loose ends. How to start and organize my ideas was a herculean task indeed.  So I just decided to write randomly about some of the things I have learnt in my life:

  • No one is perfectly happy in this world and has some or other reason to remain worried about. The reasons may differ but the pain and the agony one goes through, it’s all same. So there is no point in comparing my situation with that person’s and feel unhappier.
  • It’s a very human tendency to make mistakes and there are probably many who really have to mess up themselves endless times before they get it right. And sometimes people like me don’t get it right at all. J

So let me accept myself as I am….the vulnerable, gullible one and stop feeling guilt-ridden. Let me live my life without any regret or remorse.

  • There is nothing so called “happy settled life”. Many of us in spite of our attempts of entering into relationships and trying to build them, are not able to cope with the complexities of the same and then end up resigning to seclusion. There is no point in feeling bad about it.
  • I have learnt many wonderful things from my kids at school. These kids are wonderful in reading our minds and as adults, if we are harbouring this notion somewhere inside us that we can manipulate with them, we will be proven absolutely wrong. Our earned cleverness fails in front of their natural perceptiveness which is borne out of their God given innocence and virtuousness. They do judge us very correctly.
  • “Zara”, my dog has taught me thankfulness, appreciation and unconditional love. She reciprocates to my each and every gesture and wants the same from me. She doesn’t like if I act in an indifferent manner. Likewise, I feel everybody around us like acknowledgement and appreciation. There are so many people around us whom we take for granted and don’t really thank them for their contribution in our lives.

Why do I write?

Well good habits are hard to form and i am bent upon including at least this one good habit in my daily regime..that is, to write everyday.

Now answering the question “Why do I write?” is not difficult to answer but yes, there is a strong probability of my missing upon few reasons.

Okay let me start with few most important ones. I write as it lends me a purposeful thinking. Writing does allow my mind to go astray but at the same time, I do get a result, an outcome of my thinking and contemplation. My thoughts, at the end of the day, don’t end in trash.

When i look at my write-up, it gives me an immense sense of gratification which may be there in other activities too, like spending time with my dog or gardening for that matter but the intensity of satisfaction is always much more and the feeling is absolutely different. Writing brings out my creative side.

Another reason is that it helps me to think intensively about the things. I derive a different perspective about those things too, which may be considered mundane or boring. I get an opportunity to look above the surface level and get an entirely different ideas about the things.

I write as it helps me to utilize my leisure time. If i had not been doing this, i would have certainly been watching TV or simply lazing around. So writing does give me a sense of accomplishment and  I am able to avoid going through guilt and regret.

Writing gives me a kick. I feel happy and rejuvenated. Unlike other stimulants, it energizes me and motivates me to indulge into this more often. It is a great vent for one’s emotional energy and does help in organizing one’s thoughts. It also helps me to relate to the writings of other people around me.

Another reason could be pertaining to my profession too. Since i am a teacher by profession and i teach language to senior kids. As a language teacher, i keep striving for inculcating reading and writing habits among my students. So through my blog i may be able to set myself as a real life example in front of my students.

And last but not the least, it does make me different. 🙂

An Ode to Ocean…

A vast ocean,

With all horizons out of reach.

Yet, every wave,

With dreams and mysteries coiled in,
Spills new thoughts,
Shows a dream,
that I take my first plunge in this ocean of vastness,
and wash away the mind,
that throws up memories.

My heart splits open,
comes out a liberated child
who just knows dance, wildness and love.

My soul gives up
A translucent veil, soiled with reflections of the past
I so proudly wear.

Little by little answers came with waves,
I gathered few shells of dreams.
I found solace, few exceptional truths.

I learnt, though pain resides in every heart,
though few minds simply refuse even to dream.
The endurance of love surely bears its fruit.

I left the ocean
with a deep feeling of calmness
yet dreaming of that pearl
which lies down under that ocean of love.

Is it a dream too hard to fight?
And no one could help me believing,
that I am striving for the right.

The Day ends…

A day mundanely flips away, bringing it to the night,
Which seems to darken in the very similar way.
Mind-numbing toil, the newness slackens off,
Finding staleness, tugging it away.

The twilight pulls it out of the warmth
The cold darkness descends,
And with skilled silent strokes,
Sketches a mix of cobwebs and shadows,
Hanging all over the place,
A bizarre picture of the discarded day.

Even the most-distant memories,
The night gruesomely brings.
Those hollow deserted aisles,
Groves of grotesque twisted trees,
Far aloft, their arms wave away.

I, till now, so strangely, at ease,
With a seizure, step into the darkness.
The nightmare will soon return,
The day culminating into emptiness,
Wasting all its wishes, all its hopes,
Squandering it away.

But today the night is different.
In these moments of clamour and dread,
I find a sudden silence,
I find a sudden solace.

I suddenly realize I am not alone.
I find many other hearts passing out.
Many others stumble their heads against the wall.
When they reach the end,
When they close their day.

Cold Truths

I never wanted heights of closeness,

Never thought of being your part.

I yearned to take a plunge

And delve into the depths of your heart.

Some “Cold Truths” I found.

But don’t fret, I never let out any.

I left you pristine.

But they gave everything, an icy chill.

They lent everything, a frosty sheen.

But when this ice melts with traces of desire.

And my feelings erode away.

So close still, I find you.

My heart still tingles with your feelings.

My mind still trembles with you.

Love is What……We All Seek

He entered the room carrying a yearning to plunder in his eyes,
Those say that he wants to mince her

Eyes which either carried a certainty that those moments
when he simply pounded her were always the righteous ones.
Or guilt they carried, borne out of a deep human need…
A desire not ready to forgive the last rejection with ease.

A repression, ample in size mercilessly,
Ground her deeply,
She suffering a miserable loneliness, was trampled,
And she kept spreading like specks of sand…

A brawl continued, she kept struggling out of
Assumptions society loaded on her back
Doctrines of marriage absurdly narrated out.
A frame of mind was put forward to her, which she accepted.

And then she also kept remembering with a strange fondness
Those moments
While those fists were little tender
When the ceremonies of marriage were on.

The Struggle Continues……..

As she is unaware that what needs now that she needs to burst
Not-so-like a Pretty Pink Bubble.
But dazzle as the dark falls over the Fool’s Paradise
For the oppressed- BE the fighter!

Let’s put stop to this struggle
Which would continue as it listens to liars,
Instead of their own noisy conscience
and simply ignores the dejected souls piercing cries.

Now the time has come
Tell him that
There would be no explosion from the core of my body.
Forget the summits you always could achieve.

Kneel down,
Call me your queen
With that grazed throat of yours,
And say that now you understand my that soaring pain

I would let you crawl and climb me,
But treat me as when you had started to fall in love with me.
Let you melt and untie my frozen heart
Make me look at you with awaken eye.

Let those moments bring
Roses, roses coming from within my heart and spread thoroughly
Looking like
As if some wound which was kept hidden from the sight
has unceasingly started dropping blood.

And you lovingly wrapped a bandage
A moan left your throat could be your last one!!!
However it is enough tribute to conquer my heart,
As only love is what we both need to seek!

The unbelievable is already nothing
It is love what we need to hunt for
And believe me
I would awaken my eyes for you and my heart would melt away.


To be candid, i doubt if there is anything special to say on this weekend, nothing of great import has happened this week, in fact, it left me less inspired and more tired…life busier these days ….and i am still caught up in everyday audition of finding comfort in routine of ordinary, simple, & mundane stuff like enjoying toasting a toast or the dripping sound of coffee in the pot.. That 5:30 wake up every morning, when i, bleary eyed, find rage pulsing through my veins as leaving pillow which seems to cuddle now closer by me, it seems to be the most frustrating moment of my day.

But after tossing and turning for a while, finally i get up and eventually get caught in the same humdrum of life, taking an invigorating shower to shake off my previous night’s lethargy, dusting off my bruised mind and amidst all these familiar every day sounds of running tap, hair drier, my feet toying with messy things on the floor, the bed sheet left unfolded, i take note of a little thought in my mind which seems to be amused by this chase, the “meaningful” part of life that we all live……..

Well, apart from that, I keep wandering around this large blogosphere too, reading the latest blogs, full with reasons why our lives are significant, written in well-spurted sentences and while i find myself mostly thinking inwardly, all the words simply float around my head in circles, taking me nowhere and i simply get lost in the rhythm of it all, like a child in his make believe world.

In this blogosphere, a lot seems to change, consistently, constantly…..we all speaking out our truths-tiny and large, significant and insignificant, evaluating ourselves, criticizing others, lifting ourselves up, bringing down others, with so much said yet much left unsaid too……

Well, i think that’s life, everyone living here in his own world, believing he’s famous. No joke, no offense intended here.

Well with all this inner reflection, my life currently can be summed up in one word: that is ROUTINE. Home? Job? Food? Clothes? I miss sitting in a silence, quiet, still and at peace for life seems to blaze like a strong and steady flame, hectic & consuming, where answer to everything seems to be lying in tomorrow. Living in the moment should be the new fad.

There are endless things which are already occupying my life, but since nothing is fetching any earth shatteringly extraordinary experience, i constantly think of finding missing pieces and parts.

And eventually i find myself indulging into many new things I always thought i wanted to do, i endlessly work upon a mindset, I always imagined i want to have, i work hard to acquire a potential, i always desired myself growing up with. I endeavour to become an awesome person, emerge a best friend anyone could ask for, grow as someone who is genuinely loved, become a person who always speaks with wisdom, want to have a mind which never forgets, and want to have a heart too, which is able to forgive.

But beneath all these grown chunks of myself, i find a soul, still empty and shallow, frightened and shocked….in all these upheavals of life, i find a gravity pulling me down for what do i find, instead of capturing a moment where i can really hold myself, i lose myself in all those moments….

My thoughts are endless but i am tired now and constantly fatigued, I’m putting my laptop to a close to leave……Self, I’m disappointed in you.