Make Choices but don’t let them master you.

It’s been a long time, I could pull myself together to write something. As a part of #everydayinspiration, I was sent couple of one word prompts- hope, regret, home, choice, secret and abundance. I went through that email several times and found my mind flooding with endless thoughts and today I have finally made my choice… 🙂 Writing about choices…

Now what about choices? In fact what we are today is the culmination of all the choices which we ever made: personal, professional etc. and in today’s scenario, when there are so many options thrown at us, I feel that rather than simplifying our lives, taking decisions about even tiny things, turns out to be a mind-boggling exercise.

I remember how few days back, while planning to buy some wall-shelves for my living room, I spent hours on surfing through endless number of shopping sites, looking at nearly thousands of items, shortlisted few however still couldn’t make my mind.  I was so saturated and drained out at the end of that futile process that I eventually postponed the idea of buying one. Yes, it would have certainly turned fruitful if I had someone to guide me or help me understand my own requirements and I would have been able to make a choice. Now this is what we generally advise people to do that it’s better to handover the steering wheel to someone else, especially when you find your mind clouded with doubts and dilemmas.

Now this is an extremely pragmatic opinion. But rather than feeling impressed with my mind which has suddenly started working so prudently, I found myself amused while thinking of this.

Today in fact, when I look at myself and take a quick account of my life, I feel that even while making the most significant life-choices whether they were related to my career or life or relationships, I ever thought of working under someone’s guided opinion. Now this is what which leaves me intrigued. Can we really weigh options and take intelligent decisions which guarantee fool proof success and triumph to us? Can we orient our mind in this way? What should be done when our emotions over power us? I have at several occasions, found my mind covered with some invisible walls and I simply refuse to listen to anyone but my own voice.

Many decades back, I made a choice pertaining to my profession. The choice was to pursue Masters in Social Work from Delhi University. I did complete the course, worked for few NGOs for couple of years, found that my decision was though not completely wrong but was more driven by my emotions. During the field work, visits to remote places and meeting people from diverse fields was very exciting but I was completely disillusioned to see that most of the developmental work for which funding agencies shell out millions of rupees and give the developmental agencies in forms of funds and grants remains mostly confined to paper-work. Writing reports with fake facts and figures was not what I was made up for.

I suddenly joined the corporate sector which kept me charmed for few years with its beautiful air conditioned buildings, financially stable job and many opportunities of madness. I did many things from client servicing, managing administration and operations, juggling with numbers and reports but the monotony of it, left me saturated and I decided to put an end to it. There was lot of money and fun but no sense of gratification. I decided to take a step back and re-evaluate what my dreams were and what was lacking in my life which left my mind and soul with such in-satiated appetite.

That was the time to pursue my real calling and decided to follow my heart. I took my final plunge and took up the teaching profession. Today after 7 years of my working as a teacher and of course, during this period, I worked upon acquiring couple of professional degrees to qualify to work in schools, I eventually find myself happy and contented. Today I feel that though I went through lot of trials and tribulations,  I finally took a correct decision of choosing my dreams over the financial stability which my previous jobs promised in abundance.

Today when I interact with my students who do rely upon me for a correct guidance for making good choices in life, I strongly feel that it’s certainly my duty to help them. However if I just give some concrete ideas and concepts to work upon, I will be depriving them of the fun which lies in making certain mistakes and then embracing them. Rather than finding them turning into mere prototypes, I would rather love to see them becoming passionate dreamers and wanderers.

I have found many relatives and friends of mine, telling it to me that I had been pretty impulsive and stupid which resulted in my making many wrong choices in my life. But my mind still refuses to agree to this.

Those were not mistakes what I committed. Today when I look at my past, I find a life led with so many enriching and learning experiences. I don’t feel regretful and still have no plans to shut the doors to my past but yes, I feel I have opened another door to my future. Though there could be some shades of grey, but I feel, my life is like a rainbow with endless colours and hues. In fact so called wrong choices which are easily labelled by many as sheer mistakes, I feel completely different about them. I see them as my most valuable assets. I have so many experiences to share with my kids in the school. And when they make mistakes in the classroom,  I don’t run out of patience and tolerance and i don’t rush to call them “stupid”. In fact I strongly detest the idea of making them feel ashamed or embarrassed.

Today while writing about “CHOICES”, I still don’t find myself thinking in terms of stagnation and inertia, I feel life is all about experiencing it and discovering what eventually works for you. The best choices are those which finally leave you happy and satisfied. 🙂


Day two: Write a List

This is the next task assigned to me as a part of #everydayinspiration and out of the choices offered to me, I thought I will write on “Things I’ve learned”. Believe me, when I looked at the topic, I once smiled at the childishness of the task. I have already spent enough decades on this planet, living and doing certain things. Enlisting them is a child’s play.

However contrary to my anticipation, when I started writing, my mind was flooded with many unrelated thoughts with loose ends. How to start and organize my ideas was a herculean task indeed.  So I just decided to write randomly about some of the things I have learnt in my life:

  • No one is perfectly happy in this world and has some or other reason to remain worried about. The reasons may differ but the pain and the agony one goes through, it’s all same. So there is no point in comparing my situation with that person’s and feel unhappier.
  • It’s a very human tendency to make mistakes and there are probably many who really have to mess up themselves endless times before they get it right. And sometimes people like me don’t get it right at all. J

So let me accept myself as I am….the vulnerable, gullible one and stop feeling guilt-ridden. Let me live my life without any regret or remorse.

  • There is nothing so called “happy settled life”. Many of us in spite of our attempts of entering into relationships and trying to build them, are not able to cope with the complexities of the same and then end up resigning to seclusion. There is no point in feeling bad about it.
  • I have learnt many wonderful things from my kids at school. These kids are wonderful in reading our minds and as adults, if we are harbouring this notion somewhere inside us that we can manipulate with them, we will be proven absolutely wrong. Our earned cleverness fails in front of their natural perceptiveness which is borne out of their God given innocence and virtuousness. They do judge us very correctly.
  • “Zara”, my dog has taught me thankfulness, appreciation and unconditional love. She reciprocates to my each and every gesture and wants the same from me. She doesn’t like if I act in an indifferent manner. Likewise, I feel everybody around us like acknowledgement and appreciation. There are so many people around us whom we take for granted and don’t really thank them for their contribution in our lives.

Why do I write?

Well good habits are hard to form and i am bent upon including at least this one good habit in my daily regime..that is, to write everyday.

Now answering the question “Why do I write?” is not difficult to answer but yes, there is a strong probability of my missing upon few reasons.

Okay let me start with few most important ones. I write as it lends me a purposeful thinking. Writing does allow my mind to go astray but at the same time, I do get a result, an outcome of my thinking and contemplation. My thoughts, at the end of the day, don’t end in trash.

When i look at my write-up, it gives me an immense sense of gratification which may be there in other activities too, like spending time with my dog or gardening for that matter but the intensity of satisfaction is always much more and the feeling is absolutely different. Writing brings out my creative side.

Another reason is that it helps me to think intensively about the things. I derive a different perspective about those things too, which may be considered mundane or boring. I get an opportunity to look above the surface level and get an entirely different ideas about the things.

I write as it helps me to utilize my leisure time. If i had not been doing this, i would have certainly been watching TV or simply lazing around. So writing does give me a sense of accomplishment and  I am able to avoid going through guilt and regret.

Writing gives me a kick. I feel happy and rejuvenated. Unlike other stimulants, it energizes me and motivates me to indulge into this more often. It is a great vent for one’s emotional energy and does help in organizing one’s thoughts. It also helps me to relate to the writings of other people around me.

Another reason could be pertaining to my profession too. Since i am a teacher by profession and i teach language to senior kids. As a language teacher, i keep striving for inculcating reading and writing habits among my students. So through my blog i may be able to set myself as a real life example in front of my students.

And last but not the least, it does make me different. 🙂


A life spent prudently and played with all the rules learnt from everyone, even from swindlers, crooks and fools, no offense meant to anyone, after all everyone has his own lesson of strength to lend and resilience to share.

In midst of all this, doesn’t mind crave sometimes to idle away time on useless things or just loiter around aimlessly?

Does “loitering “sound a bit offensive so let me call aimless wandering? It is no less than an art.

That’s what I did a few days back. It was a beautiful Sunday evening. It was a bright evening, I felt elated. Face flushed with a sense of carefree irresponsibility, I walked with a spring in my step. I was all in mood to enjoy my leisure. Should I turn left or right? I was free to choose.

The way I walked I felt as if many gave me an amused look and I kept walking, panning my gaze all over, and pausing once in a while to feast my eyes on any attractive object that arrests my attention.

A beautiful model on a large billboard in front of me seemed to gaze at me, “Where are you going?” she pursued. Nowhere, I said. She seemed to stare at me for a moment and soon seemed to be wearing a look of perplexed dejection as I walked off.

On Sunday evening, every place looks simply swarming with people that no one gives attention to anyone.

And in midst of all this crowd, I simply seem to blend well, when I realize that in spite of being still counted as disadvantaged as compared to the people who are rich, famous or have a striking personality, I can still enjoy the marvelous benefits of insignificance and the being a part of anonymity.

If it hadn’t been would I have been able to enjoy myself with such carefree abandon and this kindda carefree irresponsibility.

The road side stalls and all the eateries crowded with noisy families bashing away regardless greedily demolishing the heaps of food before them seemed to satisfy my own need of satiation.

In that noise, I could sense a tranquil ambiance, so comforting and flattering emerging in my heart that I could really surf through my hearts content, and simply lost myself into that wonderful state of timelessness I experienced that time and I realized it happened because I was totally engrossed into doing something I loved.

Shall I go further wandering through the streets where every person seems to give some news, everything has a novelty and every poster has its advice to lend. Or shall I simply head home???

In that silent walk, all of us…the houses, the stones, posters and the sky held a long friendly conversation on the possibilities which were endless!

The freedom to enjoy life and win its ultimate reward, a happiness you gain when you really cease doing the things you have to do. You stop valuing time and you achieve its highest value. What reward could be greater than a life enjoyed as it is lived?

So do discover the art of wandering and you can trade in the art of living from the business of living.


From the summit of my brain
A desire broke, eager to flow like
a lake which melts from a glacier.
And instead inside,
a shower of fire erupts.

I found myself quivering wildly,
till the pulse stops shaking and the body glides away.
A rattle forms within!!!

My head buried in the pillow of need,
A cry escapes into a hiss.
A guilt struggles for breath
A noise smoothens into gasp of bliss.

And I want to wake you
You are in the bed two feet away.

A serpent pulses through me,
caught swirling lazily,
Rattling devilishly and playfully
Asking you to come and dance with it.

Looking into the mirror with my reflection
Same eyelids, same hair, same glance,
I found there a serpent eating her own tail!!!

And soon you and me,
caught into violent dance,
A passion of pain,
Injects venom into those moments
which dies its own slow death.

This night differs
As it negotiates our old pact and speaks of a new deal.

Now during the nights
When the breeze creeps in through the window,
Our backs arch and the bodies churn,
The fingers claw and we bite into the flesh!!!

Out of a tie still hushed,
Yet wider and louder now.
A relation has evolved,
which makes sharper hissing sounds.

A pattern has been altered,
Ugly stitches dropped,
And fresh, challenging threads picked up!!!

A bond is relieved of all the words,
As it is full of its own meaning!!!


It’s been a long time since I thought of loosening hold on my awareness…

I remained more or less in a strange kind of wakefulness, a watchfulness which grew so resolute, so stubborn and unyielding, I gradually realised it ended up growing into an insatiable greed within me, to gather things in my mind…

I started storing events within me. The experiences were gathered in my mind, so raw, so inflamed all the time.

Amidst that struggle to maintain a constant connection with the subject, emotions and expression, I suddenly realised a different state of mind. Wasn’t I trying to internalise all which is external. Am I living in two worlds???

Seeing an ugly old woman walking in front of me with a limp, made me internally weak and I felt innocent and joyful inside, if my eyes settled on a baby. At that moment, I felt I was a baby, but at the same time, I was unable to loosen like him and managed to carry out a meaningful conversation.

While under your own steam completely unaware of the surroundings and living in a world of an own, imagining that the life is stable now and my moods are manageable, my body is fit and my sleep is sound and my friendships are not co-dependent.

A mind which dwells carefully in the present and still sneaks into those memories distant and a mind tangled in the jungles of desires, still wants to fall prey to certain moments, who like those remorseless beasts, manage to inhabit some dark spaces of the mind.

At such instances, mind realises loss of a magic, magic like once happened with you. And that magic almost out-paces you at every turn and you gradually find a desire deeper and deeper inside you ends up into a growing gloom.

Magic like that while walking on a lonely road, one day, a flower which just fallen from the tree, stepped on your feet, and you stopped to pick it up, and hold it in your fingers and you suddenly found more of them strewn all over the ground.

You would find them out also when you climb up the hills at twilight, which flits in and out of those small caves in the cliffs. Those flowers lead you to the forests where you would find more of them, hiding behind trees, and if you lost them or all they lost you, you would always find them again.

And it didn’t matter, if you followed them all day, there was nothing to fear, the edge of the world was miles away.

The Foggy Days!

A chilly morning, so cold and windy that I felt for a moment it is scarcely a day to take a walk. Everything seems to be withdrawn as far as possible, withdrawn or indrawn….

There is fog is everywhere, shadowy and spreading swiftly everywhere and in my mind I imagine some untamed spirits of dead, taking funny shapes, roaming around in that dusky wrap.

In that wrap, I could hear many footsteps, all of us kept disappearing like shadows and only traces of steps of those who visited the park could be seen, the wet ground pounded by their feet.

As a woman, with a deliberate feeling of carrying a cover around, I found myself whispering in imagination to the trees around me. The whispers felt so intimate to the inmost ear of the spirits surrounding me, that I could feel they are now aroused enough to wrap me in a gentle affirmation of being a part of their peaceful and loving existence. I could feel some unrestrained warmth rising from the smoke surrounding me.

The rackety, icy wind numbed my face. The sky looks darker than usual. I actually looked at the sky which seemed to be carrying the colour of a jade, which is not as beautiful, as I thought it is.

In that upright, steely mist, I followed a track of steps, made by rubber boots along the wet soil which came on lengths and lengths, endless and finally, when they did end, I suddenly realised that during all this time, I had been following my own steps.

Following a kite string?–But no kite. And on the end of that wet string, I saw myself rising up the tides of those waves of mist, looking like a ghost, soaking wet.

Many things about this day are dubious.

I rushed back home to retire there and do nothing, read boring books and write down some useless notes, talk to myself about these foggy days, and while sipping on hot coffee, simply watch through the window, the droplets slipping, heavy with light.

And today when the wind is so cold, of course all the houses boarded up, I like others, wait for the sun to come out, even for a minute. During that minute, it would be lovely to see people, like those multi-coloured, drab and damp, scattered stones set in the sand would spread out their aching bodies, would throw shadows, individual shadows, and after this brief teasing by sun, a dark coldness would pull them in, again. .

Random Musings

We are so attuned to this daily humdrum of life that we tend to get panicky and scared when life suddenly decides to take an unwarranted pause and then we get some time and space to look into the clutter we have surrounded ourselves with. But surprisingly, it doesn’t bother you much. Everything suddenly turns immaterial..all anxieties, worries simply vanish and one tends to just flow with that wave of time..No hurry and no rush at all..One feels blissful and at peace..I really wish such pauses occur more frequently.


A vast ocean with no horizon to view
All margins out of reach.

Yet, every wave with dreams and mysteries coiled in,
Spills new thoughts
Shows a dream that someone would teach.
How I take my first plunge in this ocean of vastness!!!

Which washes away the mind,
That throws up memories.

My heart splits open
And comes out a liberated child
Which just knows dance, wildness and love.

My soul gives up
A translucent veil, soiled with reflections of the past
I so proudly wear!!!

Little by little answers come with waves,
I gathered few shells of dreams.
I found solace, few exceptional truths.

I learnt, though pain resides in every heart,
Though few minds simply refuse even to dream.
The endurance of love surely bears It’s fruit.

I left the ocean
With a deep feeling of calmness
Yet dreaming of that pearl
Which lies down under that ocean of love.

Is it a dream too hard to fight?
And no one could help me believing,
that I am striving for the right.