Kind of lazy to pen down anything these days, I found myself retreating into a snail shell, quietly receding into the spiral of life and allowing myself to be swept into changes, without thinking too much about it. Instead of reflecting on the happenings, I was sinking deeper into silence and flow through the business of living in this human dimension.
Already too much of pondering and lack of relishing this life. I thought of this but thoughts were always there and I could always feel their gentle and healing presence popping up once in a while and could turn to them for reassurance. At the same time, mind was ridden of an obvious fear of becoming inoperative that too with this constant awareness.
Anyways, I suddenly took to dreams. Dreams also not the steeled ones, in fact the porcelain ones which cannot be rattled around with. The gullible sound of these dreams are always there to make you realise your own strengths and vulnerabilities.
I started thinking of certain presences around me and to strike an out-of-body experience, slide into a dream world of my own, where it’s all different. I looked at all the people around me who began to look like spirits and I too wanted to feel like a ghost among them.
Well, this happened when I was sitting in my terrace and in spite of the green foliage around me, the world looked so dry around me, so colourless, too much austere in nature like reflection of my own realities these days.
All these thoughts came to a sudden halt when I saw someone sitting there on chair in front of me. She looked so shyly at me and touched me so slightly, so impossibly that I could never know who she was and where she emerged from! All I could see were her almond eyes, deep brown, liquid and radiant. And there was a flash of untamed fear as if it would wake me up of this dream. Am I dreaming?
She had dimples kind of those which are permanent on the cheeks and just turn more prominent when such people laugh. Dimples I always dreamt of, I could see my finger moving to smudge my finger on my face to create that dimple on my cheek.
I asked her “Who she is?”, so quietly as if I was scared of being woken by own voice. She extended her arm and I shook it hesitatingly. “I am your friend, that imaginary friend you had as a child”, she said.
These days it is no more fashionable to have imaginary friends but I remember I used to have an imaginary friend, till I attained that level of fertile imagination to question “Do they really exist?” and eventually they stopped carrying meaning for me anymore.
She looked so uncomplicated and calm, so serene and safe. And she was right in front of me. This is perfect. “You remember we had no ambitions during those days, all we used to do is to dream and talk incessantly about them. We were too lazy to take any action and were scared of hard work.”
I suddenly remembered, it was an age when everything seemed to be in state of calm. The lives of people in the world were fully sorted out and there were no dichotomies. We painted on any wall where we liked to. We used to sing, dance, write codes never to be deciphered, even cook, stitch, swim… all because we liked to. No competition of any kind, nobody trying to prove anything, no punishments so no rewards. Everyone in some magical way was blanched off their base nature and was just gentle, polite, courteous and considerate. There was no fear of any kind.
And now we are like piece of meat that hangs in the butcher’s shop. All we do is to do nothing about our own life and sit here judging others life and their work. I was suddenly full of anguish at this sudden realization. I felt I was more happy in my realities, the realities which never surprised me till I haven’t looked in, to see what’s going in the places.
Her words seemed to tear me apart. It was a moment when my heart simply refused to beat, when all the blood seemed to have rushed to my head and stayed there, the whole world spinning down on its axis and time stopped and all there was in the world was her.
I questioned my actions and felt the absence of that long discarded behaviour when I had no desire to be a hero, no longer had I any pirate nature to be extravagant, jubilant and victorious. I felt the guilty rush and experienced a meltdown.
I told her I would love to remain in the state of eternal dream as everything seems to be so nice like a commune with no extraneous elements and no confrontations.
She laughed, “Most of the people who experience similar thoughts and out of this suddenly found lost enthusiasm get up and join communes. It is no different from the real world they are trying to get away from”. The idea is to stay in the real world and be a part of it yet have the ability to have a different set of realities. In this peculiar upside-down logic of real life, still believe in imaginations and dreams.
Deep in the ashes of reality, a dream to find that imaginary friend who is there to make you realise that in spite of all the losses and defeats it is not everything that is lost.
A smile cracked on my face and I gathered her in my arms, suddenly found myself immersed in bliss and wished never to get up ever again. It was as if I have emerged from an ocean and can see what she wanted me to. She would always be there for me, even when she is not there. One day, she would again hold my hand as she did today. I wish all of us are able to recall that imaginary friend of yours, who was a part of those naive dreams you both took together.